katherine
Help paraphrasing this?
xx
Of the more than 1000 bicycling deaths each year, three fourths are caused by head injuries. Half of those killed are school age children. One study concluded that wearing a bike helmet can reduce the risk of head injury by 85%. In an accident, a bike helmet absorbs the shock and cushions the head.
Answer
Seventy-five per cent of the one thousand bicycling mortalities each year are due to head injuries, and fifty percent of those deaths include children. A study has shown that the prescience of a bike helmet, which cushions the head and absorbs shocks, can reduce head injury risk by eighty-five per cent.
Seventy-five per cent of the one thousand bicycling mortalities each year are due to head injuries, and fifty percent of those deaths include children. A study has shown that the prescience of a bike helmet, which cushions the head and absorbs shocks, can reduce head injury risk by eighty-five per cent.
I could use some help with paraphrasing....?
Tom J
We were given several paragraphs to paraphrase. To make sure I'm on the right track, can you please identify if I have paraphrased this short paragraph accordingly?
Original:
Of the more than 1000 bicycling deaths each year, three-fourths are caused by head injuries. Half of those killed are school-age children. One study concluded that wearing a bike helmet can reduce the risk of head injury by 85 percent. In an accident, a bike helmet absorbs the shock and cushions the head. From "Bike Helmets: Unused Lifesavers," Consumer Reports
Mine:
The value of bicycle of bicycle helmets: A study regarding helmet usage determined wearing a helmet reduces the risk of head injuries by 85 percent. Helmet usage is most prevalent for children, considering that half of bicycle related head injuries involve children. The study concluded that three fourths, of the more than 1000 related bicycle deaths yearly, resulted from head injury. (Consumer Reports, Bike helmets).
Answer
It's not bad, although you are saying things in your paraphrasing that are not in the original paragraph. For example, your sentence, "Helmet usage is most prevalent for children" which implies that helmets are most used by children (the definition of prevalent is "widely or commonly occurring"); there's nothing in the first paragraph that indicated most children wear helmets. I think you're meaning to say most "important" or most "necessary" for children; "prevalent" is the wrong word there.
And you can take out the two commas in the last sentence. They are unnecessary.
Honestly, paraphrasing usually entails shortening and tightening up something but, in your case, the paragraph is longer.
You could say "Helmet usage is most important for children, who account for half of bicycle-related fatalities." That makes it a little shorter and, actually, more accurate as the first paragraph refers to "fatalities" in children and not "injuries" as you have it.
Make sure when you are paraphrasing that you are not changing the facts as well.
It's not bad, although you are saying things in your paraphrasing that are not in the original paragraph. For example, your sentence, "Helmet usage is most prevalent for children" which implies that helmets are most used by children (the definition of prevalent is "widely or commonly occurring"); there's nothing in the first paragraph that indicated most children wear helmets. I think you're meaning to say most "important" or most "necessary" for children; "prevalent" is the wrong word there.
And you can take out the two commas in the last sentence. They are unnecessary.
Honestly, paraphrasing usually entails shortening and tightening up something but, in your case, the paragraph is longer.
You could say "Helmet usage is most important for children, who account for half of bicycle-related fatalities." That makes it a little shorter and, actually, more accurate as the first paragraph refers to "fatalities" in children and not "injuries" as you have it.
Make sure when you are paraphrasing that you are not changing the facts as well.
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Title Post: Paraphrasing this sentence?
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