I have a very strained relationship with my ex husband, and I need advice about it.?

bike helmets for 7 month old baby image

Sarah

We split up in 2003, when our kids were 3 and 5 years old. They have lived with me since then, except for every other weekend visitation when they stay with their dad. He has made decisions about the kids that I don't agree with, but I feel like my hands are tied and there's not really anything I can do about it unless I want to make things really nasty between us (and end up putting the kids in the middle of our disagreements).

Examples: Has decided the kids will be vaccinated for the flu, and informed me that if I don't take them for the flu shots that he is going to while they're staying with him for the weekend. Our son is autistic, and with all the controversy about the possibility of the flu shot contributing to autism, I've decided that I don't want to have them vaccinated.

He enrolled them in Lutheran religious education classes for Sunday mornings when they stay with him. The kids are both baptized Catholic, and attend Catholic mass (although not very often, it's still VERY different from Lutheran service).

2 years ago, he and his wife had a stillborn baby when she was 7 months pregnant. They take the kids to the cemetery to 'visit their sister'. They never attended the actual funeral. It's almost like they're forcing the kids to go through the grieving process with them, even though they were never really involved with the pregnancy (except to see her pregnant every other weekend when they'd visit their dad). Now my daughter fantasy plays with the dead sister she's never known or even met.

He took it upon himself to give a very explicit birds and bees talk with the kids when they were 7 and 9, prompting my 7 year old daughter to write her dad a letter stating 'have lots of sexxxs so Kimberly (his wife) can have a new baby in her tummy'. When I became upset when I found out, his response was a condescending chuckle, and said 'you can't protect them forever'.

He has on NUMEROUS occasions allowed my 11 year old son to sit in the front seat of his vehicle, even just 10 days after having emergency brain surgery for meningitis... because 'he likes to ride in the front seat', AND so that his wife can sit in the back seat with the baby they now have, because she's worried the baby will 'urp' and choke on it. The drive is about 50 miles, mostly interstate with traffic moving about 75 mph.

He swears a lot, even using the 'f' word... and has told the kids he's just 'had a potty mouth since he was N*****'s age' (my son).

Has bought them and allowed them to play rated 'M' video games.

Doesn't require them to wear helmets when they bike ride or skate board in the street.

I could go on and on... he's very passive aggressive toward me still. If he finds out something bothers me, it only encourages him to do something even more. I don't know what to do...
Also, I was the one who suggested divorce. I moved myself and both kids to an apartment, and it was the 3 of us that had to start all over... he just moved in with his gf (now his wife) in her home.

I guess yes, there may be some bitterness on my part about how hard it was for me to walk away, when he didn't have to struggle or be responsible for anything but himself. It was me that fought the school district to get help for my son, when his dad denied his autism (telling me that our son just needed to 'be pushed' more). I was the one sleepless at night when the kids were sick, or when I didn't know for the life of me where money would come from to buy groceries... because he was fired from yet ANOTHER job and couldn't pay child support (he is all caught up now, though). I left because he was very emotionally abusive. I gave him an ultimatum to either seek help (either us together or on his own) for his abusive tendencies, or that I was leaving.

I left.

Answer
First off, some of these aren't very major, like the church thing, younger kids don't really get the difference in the stuff from Lutheran to Catholic (which, by the way, aren't all that different, I'm Lutheran and I went to Catholic mass once with my aunt and didn't find it too terribly different) but, on some of the other things, such as the vaccine, sex talk, and taking the kids to the cemetery (that one kind of freaks me out) are things that you and your ex should talk about. Explain why you don't want to get your son vaccinated, just explain how you feel calmly to your ex and hopefully he'll get where your coming from. ;D

On the other hand, it's very irresponsible and immature to not require your children to wear helmets, play M rated games, and cuss in front of them. I'd just tell him how you feel about it with this too.

Unfortunately, he might think of you telling him all this might be you trying to butt into his life and control him, so choose your battles very carefully. Choose one or two things that bother you a lot, is it the M games and swearing, or the no helmets and such. Perhaps counseling or a parent class or two would help both him and you get a better idea on how to parent.

Is my sister being stupid?!?

Amber

Ok so I know babies can't be on the labor and delivery floor because of age and sickness....BUT!!!!!!!! My son is 9 months old and my sister is having her baby today! Yes I am so so excited. The thing is....she says she doesn't want my son around her baby for at least 6 weeks (TO EVEN SEE HIM) because of the hospital rules. Grrrr. I know it doesn't matter that much because my son won't even care, but I can't see her either, if he can't go cause I have no one to watch him. Why is she acting so silly!?

Answer
I agree with you, this is a little stupid. For one thing...she's going to be in the hospital for six weeks? What?

She sounds like a paranoid first time mother. I myself have never had a child, as I'm still a teenager, but I have a lot of expierence with kids, as I have 7 younger cousins, and a toddler sister. My aunt recently had her second child, she's about a week old now, and it was a little nervewracking having all the little ones around her, but they were watched carefully and it was all ok.

It's good to be a little more careful about visitors and being out and about with the baby around this time of year, seeing as it's cold and flu season.

Talk with her about this, and tell her how much it hurts you. There is no reason that your son shouldn't be around them, if you watch him closely.

And also, maybe tell her that just because the doctors give her guidlines, doesn't always mean that if they aren't followed, the baby will die. My parents grew up without wearing seatbelts or helmets when they rode their bikes, my mom didn't wake me up every two hours to feed me when I was a baby, and yet we're alive.

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Title Post: I have a very strained relationship with my ex husband, and I need advice about it.?
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